I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
