There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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