She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
