i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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