It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.