Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
