I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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