I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
