New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
