Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
