Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
