My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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