nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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