Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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