I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
