Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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