i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
