I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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