Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
