well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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