My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
