not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Pants are for mortals
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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