i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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