she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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I need a beard to bite.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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