Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can't special order awesome
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
