I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
