Just fell off a train. Bad.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
