So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
