I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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