matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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