my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Found the puke drawer
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
