i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
