you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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