I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
