Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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