So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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