You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
