Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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