Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
