I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
