Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
