im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
