does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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