I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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