if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Are we still banned from the library?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
