I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
