I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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