What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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