My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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