Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
