it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He has the fingertips of a God
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
