think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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