if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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