If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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