I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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